Alive? Dead? Or barely breathing?
Sigh, so I feel like I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I am just not really sure if I am living. I have a secure job, two cars (north shore cars, ha!), a surf board, people that love me, a bike, a cat, a house, yet I don’t think I am really happy. I miss living out of suitcases. I miss the weirdness of Thai life. I think the trip to Thailand was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I am trying to stay light hearted, but I can’t decipher if I am being positive or being naive.
There is something inside of me, begging to come out. A light that is being hidden…
One of these days, I need to listen to my inner self…
Let it be
Wow. So many months since I have written an entry in this silly little blog of mine. Is anyone even reading it? Sigh…
To be perfectly honest, I am uncertain if anything I am doing these days is actually blog worthy. I am no longer in an exotic country, no longer healing from the loss of things that I loved, and while the loss of my best friend is still sad and on my mind, I have in some how, someway made peace with it.
On that note, I still have dreams about Teri, and my ex boy, somehow is always with her, I lost them both in the same 24 hours. But, those dreams give me comfort, somehow, they bring me peace….the people that meant so much to me still live on, just in dreams, and the dreams I have are so beautiful and poignant that it seems okay…I know it’s fucked up and twisted, but this is the best way I can make sense of a very strange world I happened to be intertwined in….
Let it be, as the Beatles would say….
Since being back in America, Hawaii, I just have been living a very humble life. I have a cat who has become my best friend, my greatest accomplice, and taking each day as it comes. One of these days I will maybe bite the bullet and actually be a real teacher…someday. I don’t know; I am pretty content at camp. Just living, taking beach walks and runs at sunset, meeting as many people as I can, exchanging my tears and heart aches of the years previous with light heartedness laughter and random nights out in Haleiwa. The people I lost still live on, in a weird way, through moments that are hard to explain through words.
Anyways, I guess what I am trying to say, though as obscure as I sound, is that I am happy and content, at life is at the moment. No Prince Charming is sweeping me off my feet, I don’t have a best friend in Hawaii (beyond my cat), and no, I don’t have a dream job of any sort. But, life, on some weird level of the word is good, I honestly have no sincere complains, beyond the usual daily grind of life. I have friends and a job, and a job that gets me by, and I guess that’s all one can ask for.
I feel the things I lost were necessary for me to be here in this moment, this exact spot, in beautiful Hawaii. And I am very lucky. This I know. I have a house on the ocean, a very simple job, and a promise of a career.
I have bought a long board, which I am slowly but surely trying to learn how to ride properly, and yeah, that’s about it. I finished my sub classes…I am officially allowed to sub in schools in Hawaii, which will be awesome, so I can slowly work my way into the schools and my dream of being a teacher will inevitably happen…
Yeah, so that’s my update. Just living the dream, one day at a time….
Shani trying to walk Bua
Val and I Kareoking it up
Morgan and Brett at sunset
Me, Morgs, and Kandace at Breakers
Marianna and Memo at sunset
Fourth of July!
Look around
Heidi in Haleiwa
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It’s beautiful and so are you
North Shore is so beautiful...
So it’s so beautiful here. I sometimes get crabby, or don’t realize how lucky i have it here. It’s hard, because I desperately miss and love Thailand, so it’s hard sometimes. I need to embrace being back in America more, and just get used to it. Who gets depressed about being in Hawaii? So lame, I know!
Meet Bua!
So I have a new obsession…a kitten named Bua! She is the love of my life right now. I named her after one of my kids in Thailand that I desperately miss. I have been doing well, still slowly getting used to being back in America. I love her, she’s adorable, but at the same time I hesitate because I do realize that she is keeping me in Hawaii. I have only been back for a month and a half and I am already getting ancy to leave. It’s such a big world out there. Oh, the traveller’s disease, sigh…
Back in the 808, sigh
Lotus flowers in the Grand Palace, Bangkok
Some thoughts on returning home to Hawaii…
feel free to critique my poem, workshop style. I miss writing poems.
Homecoming
My ocean, please heal the wounds
as they bleed over dissipating words.
I’m afraid there is nothing left to talk about,
no music to hum along to.
But I’ve got friends in Bangkok, yes I’ve
got so many friends in Bangkok-
I used to follow them into
temples like a misplaced shadow,
staring at infused words
written in Thai,
just foreign documents that carry
no meaning, as I interlace my mother’s necklace
between my fingers,
the camera in my pocket
bulging, and they laugh
at the could haves
the should haves
the life lessons I always betray.
This island bears harmful memories
keeping me inside my shell.
But outside,
outside my chamber,
the world says,
here….
here, are your friends,
as the waves crash outside my door, sometimes
flooding the hallway.
Can you hear them knocking at your door?
She will rise if she is careful.
My face carries no wisdom,
only memories of past interactions.
The truth is
that, that I
am buried in debt.
And I am sorry.
Sorry and afraid that I owe everyone something, somehow…
So…
Keep your receipts! I beg of you.
I will give you your money back, no problem.
I have an excellent exchange policy, guaranteed
customer satisfaction.
I once found meaning, I thought it was beautiful,
but he crumpled it
in my hand, just arbitrary words, spoken,
then written in a pen
that bleeds when water is present.
I spoke to him once since I returned,
that stranger next door,
pretended that I met him
for the first time.
I said “Nice to meet you”
as he looked to the floor.
By the way,
this has nothing to do with love,
strangers ARE strangers,
the people my mother used to warn me about
as a little girl.
This is all strictly business, professional, like
a company’s mission statement,
a write up slip,
a cover letter, or a call on line one.
It is May, soon summer will come.
This was all his idea, and I want
nothing but everything to do with it.
All I ask is that you wrap my linen sheets
on my naked body and please
tie me to a boat and ship me off into the setting sun.
And when it’s dark, do not let me come home
(even the word home registers
as a shuttering in my brain). I can hear
my friends far away from shore,
screaming
“Brandy, please forget…”
and I go to doctors
begging for cancer or some fatal disease,
I just want a timetable
for my exit ticket out.
Maybe then I will find clarity.
Maybe then I can find meaning
that cannot be destroyed.
I still believe
that even the trade winds can adjust
like hermit crabs changing shells,
as the same songs on old play lists whisper and moan
across rip tides and storms.
These breasts of mine are heavy, as
gravity takes it toll
and my face bears new lines,
abstracted stories in the making, stories in the telling,
but sill no ring on my finger, no baby to tend to.
These days, I want to read books that pump blood in my veins,
light a pity candle, burn some apologies
that were falsely stated in a moment of despair.
I do tarot card readings with the false hope of a teenager
wishing on a star
that the head quarter back will ask her to prom-
the chariot card, the death card, the ace of wands …
They all seem to say,
it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay
Oh Ocean, please heal these wounds
that bleed over dissipating words.
There is nothing left to talk about,
no music to hum along to
and I’ve got friends in Bangkok, yes I’ve
got a few friends in Bangkok.
But none of them read my poems.
They starve themselves as they call me
something other than my name-
when I speak of love they crumble
like sandcastles, as if I am
an ancient temple taken over by trees.
Proof
khao yai
So, looking at Teri’s legacy page I came across this…
May 9, 2009
Hello, my name is Katie. I am a 28 year old mother of 1 son age 4.
For the past year I have been on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant. I was very sick. This past Feburary on the 15 I received a phone call that changed my life. It was a call that gave me a new life.
I can’t imagine the pain that you must be going through to someone who was obviously so loved by her family and friends and even people who barley knew her.
I want you to know that I was one of the people your daughter gave a new chance at better life. My son and the rest of my family are greatfull at her most generous gift. And she will always be in my thoughts and never forgotten, even though I have never met her.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for my new life. God bless your family.
She lives on! Oh Teri, how I miss you so…
I heart Ryan Adams
“Sweet Illusions”
Let me go I’m only letting you down
I ‘ve got nothing to say to you now
I lose the feelings that are weighing me down
When I’m safe
It’s turning morning all the birds sing
I’m not complicating anything
I’ll have another then I’ll go to bed
But I’ll dream of you
Cause it’s almost over
And it’s almost gone
And I can feel the sweet illusion, coming
Sweet confusion, honey
Sweet illusion coming down
And I ain’t got nothing but love for you now
You and I used to shine like a jewel
But times been nothing to us but cruel
So play it out and never played the fool
Cause you’ll lose every time
We were nothing, we were only the past
Hard times like that don’t last
I’ve been forgiven, I’ve been surpassed
By my heart
Have you?
Cause it’s almost over
Yeah it’s almost gone
And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming
Sweet Confusion, honey
Sweet Illusion coming down
And I ain’t got nothing but love for you
Love for you I can’t use
And lonely nights multiplied by the blues
That I can’t resolve
You never knew me but I did my best
I’m just lonely inside I guess
You gave me everything you really tried
Thanks….
If we were nothing and we’re only the past
Then I’m just living in a dream I guess
A long black dream that takes me down the river to you
Where it’s almost over
And we’re almost gone
And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming
Sweet Confusion, honey
Sweet Illusion coming down
And I ain’t got nothing but love for you now
oh febuary
Cheers for 2010…Last year was such a mess…it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep…I miss her everyday, and I still get nightmares about that day, even though on the day to day things are going well…I am excited to watch every leaf unfold. I think that I lead a really interesting life…i heard a cool quote recently that said “I would rather make interesting mistakes than have safe successes.” I dont think my life is full of mistakes, but every bump and turn has made for the outcome. Whatever reasons that have led me to Thailand have made me so incredibly grateful. I love so many things about this place…the monks, the jungle, the thai writing, the language…there are so many intriguing and amazing things here!
two steps forward
but, i knew you first back when love was underneath you with my fingers in the dirt,
you said “i’ll stop if it hurts”…
Have I mentioned…
how much I love these kids? I never anticipated loving my students so much. But I love these little guys! They are so incredibly clever, they amaze me every day. I am nervous about leaving Thailand because I have become so attached to these little ones. They say my name “Miz BranDEE” with an emphasis on the last part of my name. I feel so lucky to have gotten to work with them.
I think recently I have accomplished one of my greatest feats…I have taught them to read! Yes! They can read now. I feel so excited and happy for them. Sometimes I can help but wonder where these little guys are going in the big world. They are so full of life, and find such zest in the smallest things. They have helped liven my spirit…last year was a rough one, and I think eleven three year olds were just what the doctor ordered. Can I take them with me?
Sports Day!
Fluke
Bank
Mind and Keng
BB at the Christmas Party
Cha-cha-cha-changes!
katya the great!
Song of the moment:
I Go To The Barn Because I Like The by band of horses
Well i’d like to think i’m the mess you’d wear with pride.
like some empty dress on the bed you’ve layed out for tonight.
maybe i’ll tell you sometime.
time.sometime.
and you were right.
right.
you were right
outside by your doorstep
in a worn out suit and tie
i’ll wait
for you to come down
where you’ll find me
where we’ll shine
oh
so changes, changes, changes!
I think I am the greatest of chameleons…but after switching my life up so much, I am returning to Hawaii. I am very excited, and going back to my old job. I am ready for something more permanent, and camp has always been a place that I love, and my family. It feels right, in my heart, and so I am going with it. I am staying till March or April in thailandia, than jetting back to hawaii. WIll explain more in a bit. I am grateful that camp is taking me back with open arms, and extremely excited for 2010 and where it will take me.
EXPECT MIRACLES!
